I’ve been learning things about myself, here recently. Like, I don’t know the difference between caring and control, nor will I ever put myself in a position to do so. Even if my ship is sinking, I still want to be captain. I’ve discovered that my thoughts turn to you no matter what I’m doing, or who I’m looking at. All the faces morph into yours, so I’m stretching to hear every word said and breaking my neck to look into every face, searching for you. Practically starving for your familiar touch.
I’ve been learning things in general lately. Like how much better a real pina colada tastes versus what wine coolers lead you to believe. And how contrary to what I previously understood, people don’t mind that much when I talk to them during movies at the theater. Hell, you hardly ever complain about all the running my mouth does. Everyone knows, I’m too much like a wildflower and not enough like a rose. Most days, I feel like a weed.
I have been uncovering truths about myself, these past few weeks. Like how weak I really am when it comes to certain things. And that for such an intellectual person, I can be a total idiot. I’ll never like wobbly bridges and will always believe in sea monsters. I’d really like to think that when this body dies, I’ll start over as a new person or remain a ghost. But the truth is, we just stop existing.
I can’t hide some actualities about my person. Like the fact it makes me cry to think of losing you at all. And how I just let my insecurities eat me alive, like a spider with a moth. I can’t deny the smile on my face when I daydream about the way we used to be, on fire, blazing brighter than the flame in my eyes the first night we caught back up to each other. You’d been chasing me for so long, you say. And I never heard another chain of words sound so melodic.
I’ve been learning things, here and there. You are the only one who can change your life, and I’m the only one who can change mine. You get out what you put in, and karma sees it all. A few of my wires are crossed and a couple of my screws are missing. I learned that I might need you more than I let on, and want you even more than that.